I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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