He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
