My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm too high and old for this...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
