You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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