two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
