Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
