Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
