I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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