Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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