I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
