Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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