hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
