I think i peed on brittanys purse
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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