I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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