There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
