I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
