would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
