I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
