and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
