She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
