I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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