dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
