I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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