Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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