Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My ass is underappreciated
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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