You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Plan B is the new Plan A
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
