Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
