I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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