maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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