I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
