True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize