TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sext me about skeletons
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
