All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
