Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
