There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My bed smells like the plague
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
