Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
zippers are such a cool invention
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
