Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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