I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
