i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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