Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
