When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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