I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
