saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
