she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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