wat bout pragnant strippers??
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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