I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
