Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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