You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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