He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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