if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
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he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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