my shit smells like andre
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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