dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
