There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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