i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
