No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
