Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
