I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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