I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
