everyone is single if you try hard enough
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
