Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
