Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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