Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
