Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
