you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
